One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
jump out the window naked night went bad
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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