imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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