The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
