I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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