**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
