Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
