If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
