I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
