I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
