I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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