Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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