She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
