Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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