if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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