dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
