I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
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Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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