the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
