I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
