remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
