so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
