tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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