Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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