Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
