Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
