So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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