On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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