I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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