I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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