I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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