Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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