He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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