your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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