She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i think i just lost a toe
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
