I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
