Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
