I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
