i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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