I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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