honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
