Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
