i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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