My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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