So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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