he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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