And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
