Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
"it" just moved
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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