Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
