she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
