We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My ass is underappreciated
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
