I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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