I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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