Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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