how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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