At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
where are my pants?
in the oven.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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