My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
